Ladies and gentlemen... My bitchy mother-in-law

I still don't know who was the creature above who created mothers-in-law in the first place. What was he thinking? Was he planning on us needing a replacement for our own mothers? Was it that he didn't like his own mother enough that he needed the rest of humanity to have some kind of a substitute in case someone had issues like him?

My mother-in-law is anything but a substitute mother to me. She's nosy, bitchy and completely annoying. The thing is that at the very beginning, when I met her, she seemed the complete opposite to what I'm describing. Just a housewife with a huge smile and 3 sons, who was happy to have a female individual around his male-crowded house. Harmless, huh?

She played the perfect mother-in-law role for almost 6 years. Now, she became tired of it and Grendel's mum is beginning to replace her. She suddenly realized that what she was doing was out of the number 1 rule of the "Bitchy mothers-in-law Club": you must never treat your daughter-in-law as if she was your real daughter. For that reason, she began doing annoying stuff such as asking my boyfriend to stay at home for dinner because "your grandparents are coming over and when I told your granny you were going to E's house, she became so sad!". Bullshit! She just wanted him to stay at home because she knew we were going to be alone at my house (I live with my mum and she was going out that night). But hey, if she's bitchy, I'm bitchier (does that word even exist?) so I went there, had dinner, and after Leo's grandparents left we came to my house and she ended up there tearing her hair out.

"Jealousy is the green eyed monster" Shakespeare said. Well, in this case I could say "jealousy is the brown eyed mother-in-law". She's jealous of everything Leo does, and even more if he does it with me: "He talks to you" "He didn't say that to me... Well, that's because he doesn't care for me and only talks to you" "He doesn't even call me on the phone" "Sometimes, I know he's with you, but he doesn't call me to say he misses me... That must be because he doesn't love me at all" "When he sees you he's all smiles, when he sees me he's always in a bad mood" "I asked him to lend me some money, he said he didn't have enough... oh, btw, what a nice pair of jeans! Did he buy it for you? Oh, no! I know you work and earn money to pay for them... I just thought that since he said he didn't have enough money to lend me, perhaps he had spent it on you" 



Yeah, she puts a face similar to this one



Okay, so she turned 50 last year and she was unlucky enough to get divorced the same year, so she's going through some "middle-age"/ pre-menopausal crisis and she cries over every single stupid thing. However, she cries even harder when she tries to convince me not to steal her sweet boy from her while looking like Puss in Boots and saying "I know that once you two are married, he's going to forget about this old lady here. Leo's not going to need me then, and I won't see him againg. I know he won't come to see me anymore once he's moved out of here. I won't even see my grandsons!"


Let's face it, after she has called at 1 a.m. on Saturday (Leo stays at my home on Friday and Saturday night) to ask my boyfriend if his car is inside the garage "because according to the weather report hailstones are going to fall tonight", only to attempt to continue the conversation by asking him "What were you doing? Were you awake?", I can definitely say she's nosy.  Was she expecting Leo to say "No, actually I was passionately making love to E?" or " No, E's asleep. I'm watching some porn on the computer now" or "Yes, it's 1 in the morning! I'm trying to get some mother-fucking sleep!". She just wants to know everything. Every.Single.Mother.Fucking.Thing.

Now it's your turn to tell me what should I do? Should I kill her? Should I find her a man? Should I tell my boyfriend her mother is a complete pain in the ass? I tried to say that to him and he laughed and said "I know". How crazy is that?

I just know one thing: I definitely will decline the offer to join the "Bitchy Mothers-in-Law Club" in the future. I don't want any of my daughters or sons-in-law to be writing a post on a blog about how hideous his or her mother-in-law is.